I need some writing advice. Does anyone have poetry experience?

It seems like narrative poetry, plain and simple. If you'd like to up the literary merit, I'd say rework it and try a complex rhyme and beat. It takes real skill to get your point across and fit into the given rules of a style. Also, it seems lacking in symbolism. It doesn't have to be outright nonsense, but use words that you might not normally. They may fit AND carry a specific connotation to enhance your meaning. Also, try adding in some alliteration or atrophy. Don't saturate it with rhetorical strategies, but add some. If anything, it'll get you in a more creative mindset just trying to find ways around the restrictions!